Friday, September 12, 2014

Just in case I die

As I grow older, I start to accept death as the destiny of my life. 
Therefore, I decided to write this post, just in case I die during this holiday. 

Oh ya, its school holiday. Happy Holiday everyone! at least for a week.

Back to why I wanted to write this post....
A lot of shits happened these few weeks...and I couldn't make a lot of clarification and explanation before I left the college this evening. 
Or, in simpler words, I have lots of undone business in college...
I would like to clarify everything before I left, but something happened and I did not get to do so...Then the holiday started...Maybe I should do it after the break...(i think)
But, just in case I die, maybe people can find the clarification they need from me through this post...

So let me give you some brief description of what happened (from my point of view)
fyi: I did not view myself as a victim...I just felt disappointed with u people that I treated as friends secara ikhlas. 

So ...I THINK... (please correct me if I am wrong)

The issue started last week? During Madam Yong's class? Friday I guess..
I couldn't remember what I did to that girl (A). But she posted a very sarcastic post saying things like "suka sangat sabotaj orang lain...bla la kau...kau ingat kau bagus sangat..." 
Well, honestly, I did not know who and what she was talking about...
I was concerned as a friend (might ex friend after this) 
so I asked from different people if they knew what happened.
If I did something wrong, I wanted to apologize...but the thing is...
everyone said no...they didn't know...(i took their words, total trust!)
then I did some reflection, did I do anything that made her feel that way?
I didn't think so.I couldn't recall.
So yeah. I moved on...and did not try to touch on this issue again...
Maybe she was just frustrated with some people and posted it that way...
I didn't want to guess her sarcasm...think too much, get depressed and lose focus...

Then the weekend went well.. I gUESS..

Monday, as usual, class... bla bla blah~

Tuesday, we attended a talk in dewan..bla-bla...
so a friend of mine sat beside some of them and read some messages about me...
I couldn't recall the specific details..but its like
(my name) pengampu..nak nampak baik stuff in  a whatsapp group called "....sisters"
She felt that I have the rights to know about it since my name she told me..
at that moment, I felt super disappointed... 
they were talking behind my backs... (the girls of the same race and religious practice)
So after spending 5 Years as peers...they talked about me behind my back..
although I treated them sincerely ( i sumpah) as friends...
and started to guess if this was their first time doing it 
I wasn't sure... I did not dare to make assumption...
because negative assumptions only hurt myself, not them..
besides, I knew the existence of the group long time ago...I did not request to be added into that group cuz I respected their privacy...
But using it as a space to KUTUK people is not right.. and Its unfair towards me..
Of course I kutuk people, but I dont do group bullying like this...
I will talk and forget about it soon. (I tanggung dosa ni sendiri, dont worry)
But why did I say group bullying? Cuz after the whole thing, the whole group (including an Indian girl) discussed about me in a room..
U know what, surprisingly, saya lalu dear and dengar. 

IN BETWEEN, some posts came up again... two girls (B & C) posted about someone telling the lecturer about them going to Korea 
and therefore did not get to submit their assignments on time..
Sounded very calm kan... the next thing they said...terrified me? 

"Korang tak rasa x pe", "the time will come", "hidup ni karma" and so on...
Then girl (A) posted again."ada la orang suka sgt sebok hal orang lain..suka sangat menjatuhkan orang lain..kalau btol bagus sgt, watpe nak jatuhkan org lain.."
Notice the similar pattern there? AR syndrome, was even doing analysis while reading people's messages...sabotaj, sebok, kalau bagus sgt, jatuhkan orang lain...

I guess they (A, B & C) from the beginning were talking about me then..
Not because I knew I did anything to sabotage them... 
but Because I was one of those who told the lecture about them leaving to Korea..
But I did not intend to harm anyone... 
I am one of the subject rep, I was just trying to be accountable towards the lecturer...
and I swear I did not tokok tambah in whatever I said to the lecturer...

The situation:
(submitting assignments for every other classmates with girl D-another class rep)
(knock, greet)
lecturer: how many submitted and how many didn't?
Girl D & me: altogether 14 or 15... 
lecturer: who didn't?
Girl D & me: B, C and some boys. 
Lecturer: Why? 
Me: Er. both of them went to Korea for an educational trip under the English dep and B, her grandmother passed away mdm.. but they will submit the assignment soon.
Lecturer: oh, okay. B? her attendance was fine. the boys?
gIRL D & me: Don't know.
lecturer: hmm. attendance not so good...
(left her office)

You can analyse the situation yourself... if I were to apologize, I AM TRULY SORRY because I shouldn't have said anything about it...I did not expect such reaction from the lecturer cuz usually lecturers would be like, oh, her grandmother passed away? send my regards...
i did not blame the lecturer, u must understand, but I really did not expect her to reprimand girls B & C about it. 

Please understand my intention to tell the lecturer about what happened was to show her that there were valid reasons for the girls and as the class reps, we knew what happened because they informed us..they did not disappear like the others...but the lecturer's response was beyond my expectation and control...I dont think I have the ability too to control her decision and thoughts. She is a lecturer and I am just a student.

hmm... long sigh... this is not the end...

then naik pulak isu from kelas sebelah... ada orang sabotage so that kena hantar awal.
Oh my, perkataan sabotage naik lagi?! 
Did you guys talk to kelas sebelah about it as well? Sampai tahap ni ke?
tak perlu pun sampai tahap tu.
If u were saying that I made the lecturer to collect ur assignments earlier, 
then I am sorry, I do not have the power to influence the lecturer.
kalau u nak tahu situasi, tarikh kelas sebelah hantar assignment telah disebut dengan intention to ask for extension for the assignment.
plus That happened a few weeks ago. Not this week.
mIGGU NIE, Dr R tiba-tiba nak collect is because the KJ and Mdm J asked for it. They wanted to do moderation. I did nothing to influence mdm J. 
If u said u heard about me asking Mdm J about it...
 yes, but I was asking if I should return my assignment to her for moderation because I heard from kelas sebelah yang mereka perlu hantar dah. 
before that, dia dah suruh Dr R pun to collect the assignment. 
I x suruh mdm pergi push Dr R and i tak tahu mdm J is the authority for the subj.

Hmm... (tarik nafas dalam2) 

i STRUGGLED so much and came to a decision that I should talk to them or u...
If I was younger, I would curse back at them/ u , yell at them/ u.and leave them/ u forever..
Because I wasnt really those kind who would hold on to people who did not trust me. 
But this time around, I wanted to change, I wanted to explain because I appreciate the 5 year relationship I shared with them/u...i CARE.
so I asked them to come to my room in group, 
because I dont want them/u to see me individually and go back and compare what I tell them/u (start talking about me behind my back again)
Then, I was disappointed again, B said they.u slept
Hmm. girls, I live in the same block as ya..when i invited u guys, i WAS very attentive towards the surrounding...I was expecting you girls to come...
I heard some of u laughing and walking pass the corridor...and u told me that u slept?
Its difficult to say this, they/u rejected me for the first time...

So the next day, I decided to try again...
maybe they were really sleeping? 
So I started my "speech" I need to talk to ya..bla~
before I proceeded, the indian girl who talked so loud behind my back walked out...
and a friend that I loved, appreciated, trusted a lot walked out saying that she was sick of it...I didn't expect this again...I stormed out.. 
well, the responses after me running out of the classroom was something predictable..

dia patut datang cari korang and cakap sendiri
bukan suruh korang pergi cari dia

hmm.. I really tried my best..
I was not afraid to talk to u people in group..
U guys talked about me behind my back in group, 
why do you respond in such way when I was courageous to talk to u in front of everyone?
why cant you understand my emotional breakdown was due to my disappointment towards those who left the room?
I ikhlas.. tapi korang nampak x? 

then some people said sorry, some people pretended that they did nothing 
and wished me Happy holiday...then left the college..
But I cannot stop thinking about your faces yang sedang mengutuk saya.
Of coz, I also x kan terima if you fake a smile in front of me..
nothing is right at this moment. 

tapi I akan berjaga-jaga dalam hubungan and berkawan lepas nih..
I am sorry too kalau apa i yang cakap x kisah la dulu ke sekrang dan masa depan make u feel unhappy and uncomfortable. 
percaya lah I ikhlas apabila i cakap and buat something.
dan tak ada niat nak sabotage atau pandang rendah kat sesiapa pun. 

kalau ada pun masa zaman muda-muda dulu, when i still practice sarcasm and yelling at people alot.for that, I minta maaf banyak2.

The only thing I want to focus on in my future relationships:


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