I wish

when I was younger,  I thought that my family was rich
as I never had problems when it came to buying the things I wanted...
and the fact that my mom works for my uncles who own a few shops,
I assumed that its family business and we were rich...
and Of coz I thought I would have the chance to achieve all my dreams like studying abroad...

Then when I got into upper secondary school,
I started to understand the real situation...
we were not rich at all... and we might be poor...why?
the family business that I thought is ours (every family members) is not ours...
and my dad's business wasn't going well..
my mom works for the salary, and we are lucky cuz she gets a lot of benefits from the job...

then i started praying to become super rich...
especially when I wasnt allowed to study abroad as we did not have the money..
and I was asked to go into a teacher training institute to reduce financial burden...
and saw my brother going into a private college as he did not score well during spm..
then I was told that I need to work hard later in order to pay for my sister's educational expenses..

I started blaming my mother... believed that she doesnt love me enough...
I blamed my dad too for not being a super rich man who can afford to send his children abroad...
I also blamed myself for getting the result which allowed me to go into a public higher education institution...

because I too want to go into a private one and take the course that I really liked..
like all my friends...travel around...

hmm.... all my thoughts made me feel so bitter, depressed and bad...
I cried a lot... fought with my parents... scolded all my siblings...
I also started destroying things... punching into a mirror...
it sounded like I was suffering from depression right?

Maybe yes...

maybe no, cuz I managed to get into a teacher training insitute and I passed the mental health test..

I dont know, cuz I never get myself checked by doctors or psychiatrist..
lets not find out about it ;P

but now...I am in my final year... started to fall in love with teaching...
and when I reflect on my life and what happened when I was younger..
I understood that I was actually very loved by my parents...
they never give up on me even though I was so immature and "manja".
they never tell me to leave or disappear when I lose my temper...
they chose to face it, talk to me and try fixing it with me...