Thursday, June 4, 2015

I need to talk

after so long, I am writing this because I need to talk...

I need to talk to somebody, but I dont want to worry anyone or make other feels the same way.

So if you are reading this, thank you for reading/ listening to my inner voice...

it has been 4 months since my first posting to an island in Klang called Pulau Ketam.

Life has been wonderful and bad at the same time...

I enjoyed my life very much over here. to the extend that I think I could stay here for a few more years...

but things started to change lately, not that I dont like here anymore.. I just wish I could stay near him...

nearer to him to take care of him...

who is that he or him right? just somebody I love.

so what happened was he got into an accident. This is not a joke, it's a bike accident.

the thing I prayed so hard to never see again was him getting into any accident especially bike... after my friend's accident long long time ago...

I warned him everyday to be extra careful on roads.

and then one day, bang! He got into one! It was our school holiday and worst, I was sleeping like a pig at home..

I only realised what happened when his mother called early in the morning..

and I was only told that nothing broke and he got some external injuries...

what a relief, only external injuries right? (phew)

then the next day, he called after missing some calls from me since yesterday...

i thought when he called, means everything was okay so I asked for his photo..

he refused to...i know somewhere something is not right... but I believe in him..

how much he loved me to tell me he was alright when he was so much in pain...

how much his friends cared for me to never reveal a single word about his real situation to me..

all I heard was he was okay, everything was alright... I really wanted to believe in them and those words..

maybe I shouldnt be writing this, but somehow I found out...

everything will be okay kan? still have works to complete kan? gotta pull all my strengths together kan? solve everything before I go to you kan?

pushing myself all the way to this post...

I am such a bitch! such an E or F girlfriend!

how can I not be there for you when you in pain...

how can I not go to you who are sick right away when you did that all the time for me...

how can I do this to you?

How can I not understand you or understand myself who care so much about each other?

at this point, I started to ponder if I should stay here longer.

I should be somewhere near you.

I should be there for you...

not only think about my work when such sh*t happened...

since when you jadi macam mamat korean drama who always claim themselves to be okay bile x okay woyh!

Friday, September 12, 2014

Just in case I die

As I grow older, I start to accept death as the destiny of my life. 
Therefore, I decided to write this post, just in case I die during this holiday. 

Oh ya, its school holiday. Happy Holiday everyone! at least for a week.

Back to why I wanted to write this post....
A lot of shits happened these few weeks...and I couldn't make a lot of clarification and explanation before I left the college this evening. 
Or, in simpler words, I have lots of undone business in college...
I would like to clarify everything before I left, but something happened and I did not get to do so...Then the holiday started...Maybe I should do it after the break...(i think)
But, just in case I die, maybe people can find the clarification they need from me through this post...

So let me give you some brief description of what happened (from my point of view)
fyi: I did not view myself as a victim...I just felt disappointed with u people that I treated as friends secara ikhlas. 

So ...I THINK... (please correct me if I am wrong)

The issue started last week? During Madam Yong's class? Friday I guess..
I couldn't remember what I did to that girl (A). But she posted a very sarcastic post saying things like "suka sangat sabotaj orang lain...bla la kau...kau ingat kau bagus sangat..." 
Well, honestly, I did not know who and what she was talking about...
I was concerned as a friend (might ex friend after this) 
so I asked from different people if they knew what happened.
If I did something wrong, I wanted to apologize...but the thing is...
everyone said no...they didn't know...(i took their words, total trust!)
then I did some reflection, did I do anything that made her feel that way?
I didn't think so.I couldn't recall.
So yeah. I moved on...and did not try to touch on this issue again...
Maybe she was just frustrated with some people and posted it that way...
I didn't want to guess her sarcasm...think too much, get depressed and lose focus...

Then the weekend went well.. I gUESS..

Monday, as usual, class... bla bla blah~

Tuesday, we attended a talk in dewan..bla-bla...
so a friend of mine sat beside some of them and read some messages about me...
I couldn't recall the specific details..but its like
(my name) pengampu..nak nampak baik stuff in  a whatsapp group called "....sisters"
She felt that I have the rights to know about it since my name she told me..
at that moment, I felt super disappointed... 
they were talking behind my backs... (the girls of the same race and religious practice)
So after spending 5 Years as peers...they talked about me behind my back..
although I treated them sincerely ( i sumpah) as friends...
and started to guess if this was their first time doing it 
I wasn't sure... I did not dare to make assumption...
because negative assumptions only hurt myself, not them..
besides, I knew the existence of the group long time ago...I did not request to be added into that group cuz I respected their privacy...
But using it as a space to KUTUK people is not right.. and Its unfair towards me..
Of course I kutuk people, but I dont do group bullying like this...
I will talk and forget about it soon. (I tanggung dosa ni sendiri, dont worry)
But why did I say group bullying? Cuz after the whole thing, the whole group (including an Indian girl) discussed about me in a room..
U know what, surprisingly, saya lalu dear and dengar. 

IN BETWEEN, some posts came up again... two girls (B & C) posted about someone telling the lecturer about them going to Korea 
and therefore did not get to submit their assignments on time..
Sounded very calm kan... the next thing they said...terrified me? 

"Korang tak rasa x pe", "the time will come", "hidup ni karma" and so on...
Then girl (A) posted again."ada la orang suka sgt sebok hal orang lain..suka sangat menjatuhkan orang lain..kalau btol bagus sgt, watpe nak jatuhkan org lain.."
Notice the similar pattern there? AR syndrome, was even doing analysis while reading people's messages...sabotaj, sebok, kalau bagus sgt, jatuhkan orang lain...

I guess they (A, B & C) from the beginning were talking about me then..
Not because I knew I did anything to sabotage them... 
but Because I was one of those who told the lecture about them leaving to Korea..
But I did not intend to harm anyone... 
I am one of the subject rep, I was just trying to be accountable towards the lecturer...
and I swear I did not tokok tambah in whatever I said to the lecturer...

The situation:
(submitting assignments for every other classmates with girl D-another class rep)
(knock, greet)
lecturer: how many submitted and how many didn't?
Girl D & me: altogether 14 or 15... 
lecturer: who didn't?
Girl D & me: B, C and some boys. 
Lecturer: Why? 
Me: Er. both of them went to Korea for an educational trip under the English dep and B, her grandmother passed away mdm.. but they will submit the assignment soon.
Lecturer: oh, okay. B? her attendance was fine. the boys?
gIRL D & me: Don't know.
lecturer: hmm. attendance not so good...
(left her office)

You can analyse the situation yourself... if I were to apologize, I AM TRULY SORRY because I shouldn't have said anything about it...I did not expect such reaction from the lecturer cuz usually lecturers would be like, oh, her grandmother passed away? send my regards...
i did not blame the lecturer, u must understand, but I really did not expect her to reprimand girls B & C about it. 

Please understand my intention to tell the lecturer about what happened was to show her that there were valid reasons for the girls and as the class reps, we knew what happened because they informed us..they did not disappear like the others...but the lecturer's response was beyond my expectation and control...I dont think I have the ability too to control her decision and thoughts. She is a lecturer and I am just a student.

hmm... long sigh... this is not the end...

then naik pulak isu from kelas sebelah... ada orang sabotage so that kena hantar awal.
Oh my, perkataan sabotage naik lagi?! 
Did you guys talk to kelas sebelah about it as well? Sampai tahap ni ke?
tak perlu pun sampai tahap tu.
If u were saying that I made the lecturer to collect ur assignments earlier, 
then I am sorry, I do not have the power to influence the lecturer.
kalau u nak tahu situasi, tarikh kelas sebelah hantar assignment telah disebut dengan intention to ask for extension for the assignment.
plus That happened a few weeks ago. Not this week.
mIGGU NIE, Dr R tiba-tiba nak collect is because the KJ and Mdm J asked for it. They wanted to do moderation. I did nothing to influence mdm J. 
If u said u heard about me asking Mdm J about it...
 yes, but I was asking if I should return my assignment to her for moderation because I heard from kelas sebelah yang mereka perlu hantar dah. 
before that, dia dah suruh Dr R pun to collect the assignment. 
I x suruh mdm pergi push Dr R and i tak tahu mdm J is the authority for the subj.

Hmm... (tarik nafas dalam2) 

i STRUGGLED so much and came to a decision that I should talk to them or u...
If I was younger, I would curse back at them/ u , yell at them/ u.and leave them/ u forever..
Because I wasnt really those kind who would hold on to people who did not trust me. 
But this time around, I wanted to change, I wanted to explain because I appreciate the 5 year relationship I shared with them/u...i CARE.
so I asked them to come to my room in group, 
because I dont want them/u to see me individually and go back and compare what I tell them/u (start talking about me behind my back again)
Then, I was disappointed again, B said they.u slept
Hmm. girls, I live in the same block as ya..when i invited u guys, i WAS very attentive towards the surrounding...I was expecting you girls to come...
I heard some of u laughing and walking pass the corridor...and u told me that u slept?
Its difficult to say this, they/u rejected me for the first time...

So the next day, I decided to try again...
maybe they were really sleeping? 
So I started my "speech" I need to talk to ya..bla~
before I proceeded, the indian girl who talked so loud behind my back walked out...
and a friend that I loved, appreciated, trusted a lot walked out saying that she was sick of it...I didn't expect this again...I stormed out.. 
well, the responses after me running out of the classroom was something predictable..

dia patut datang cari korang and cakap sendiri
bukan suruh korang pergi cari dia

hmm.. I really tried my best..
I was not afraid to talk to u people in group..
U guys talked about me behind my back in group, 
why do you respond in such way when I was courageous to talk to u in front of everyone?
why cant you understand my emotional breakdown was due to my disappointment towards those who left the room?
I ikhlas.. tapi korang nampak x? 

then some people said sorry, some people pretended that they did nothing 
and wished me Happy holiday...then left the college..
But I cannot stop thinking about your faces yang sedang mengutuk saya.
Of coz, I also x kan terima if you fake a smile in front of me..
nothing is right at this moment. 

tapi I akan berjaga-jaga dalam hubungan and berkawan lepas nih..
I am sorry too kalau apa i yang cakap x kisah la dulu ke sekrang dan masa depan make u feel unhappy and uncomfortable. 
percaya lah I ikhlas apabila i cakap and buat something.
dan tak ada niat nak sabotage atau pandang rendah kat sesiapa pun. 

kalau ada pun masa zaman muda-muda dulu, when i still practice sarcasm and yelling at people alot.for that, I minta maaf banyak2.

The only thing I want to focus on in my future relationships:

Monday, December 2, 2013

Hello December

Hello December...
It's the last month of the year, finally...
And it feels really good to have a long break after this semester..

I really hope that with this break, I could prepare myself for my final year in this programme. 

Gosh... I am freaking nervous... not ready at all for the final year...
And when I found out that my seniors are attending the SPP interview dy, I feel more nervous and lost..

Will mine come right after the exam as well?
I this will help to maintain my level of motivation and passion for this career before the long break begins...

Seriously, I dont know what to talk about now because the break has not been very fun and interesting.  

I guess I will continue tomorrow. Bye and good night. 

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Any suggestion for the title? virginity?

I am a mess...
When I am supposed to study and get my self ready for exam,
Here I am,
trying to do all sort of things but studying...

so here's the story that I couldnt think of a title...
guess the reason for this problem is that its a true story.
so for the sake of that good friend, 
I am not going to expose her name forever.
but I couldnt hold myself from writing the story cuz
its sad.. i couldnt find ways to help her...
and I am not in any position to help her or ask her to do anything...

once upon a time, a friend of mine knew a boy during her secondary school time..
they knew each other online and agreed to go on a date..
soon they fell in love.. but thats not the end of the story.
the boy stopped going to school and started working.
personally, the occupation doesnt sound like a good one..
so not going to share about it
but thats not the main point, the guy was and is much older than my friend..
as a man (literally - age) he had sexual needs..
and they started having sex..the focus is she lost her virginity to this man.
she said she loved him..
the relationship went on and on for about 2 or 3  years i guess.
when everybody thought that the relationship was perfect,
they should be able to get married and be in love forever.
guess u can predict what happened next
 they broke up when the girl was about 20 years old.

the reason, easy to guess. like any drama.
there was another young girl, not a daughter but a new girl.
in secondary school as well..
fights, arguments, cries, tears, shits happened.
they broke up. and my friend said, no problem I can move on..

So she moved on.. I thought...
the truth is, I can still see sad statuses and posts about how much she misses that guy
she changed jobs, started drinking, dancing, clubbing..
photos tell me that she enjoys her life..
but does she? i dont think so when I read those statuses..
my point of view is, she couldnt forget the guys for a few reasons.
1. its her real first love.
2. they had sex. she lost her virginity to him
3. they didnot break up cuz she stopped loving him

so my question is, girls and guys or friends who read this post,

if u r a guy, tell me how much u value a girl's virginity? 
Will u accept a girl as ur wife eventhough she lost her virginity to another man?
Can u accept the fact that she loved a man so much before u and willing to give him her first time? and probably she moved on, she is ready to build a stronger relationship with u... Do u have the capabilities to accept her they way she is?

if u r a girl, what will u do? forget the first man? move on? go back to him? 

Friday, February 22, 2013


這一間屋子 如此密閉

我 漸漸失去知覺
你 飛到天的邊緣

一個我 需要夢想 需要方向 需要眼淚
更需要 一個人來 點亮天的黑
我已經 無能為力 無法抗拒 無路可退
這無聲的夜 現在的我 需要人陪

閉上眼睛 就看不清
這雙人床 欠缺的 溫馨
誰能 陪我 直到天明
穿透這片 迷濛寂靜

我 漸漸失去知覺
你 飛到天的邊緣

一個我 需要夢想 需要方向 需要眼淚
更需要 一個人來 點亮天的黑
我已經 無能為力 無法抗拒 無路可退
這無聲的夜 現在的我 需要人陪

一個我 需要夢想 需要方向 需要眼淚
更需要 一個人來 點亮天的黑
我已經 無能為力 無法抗拒 無路可退
這無聲的夜 現在的我 需要人陪

Thursday, December 20, 2012

KiaOra Kiwi-land

its 1.49am in the morning....
so is going to end soon..
and I am going to miss this holiday so much!

what did i do?

I went to New Zealand in November.. a few days after the break started,,
spent 2 weeks without mummy daddy and siblings by my side... 
had so much fun over there and I cant describe it in words... or using pictures..
For this trip, I also got to experience my first flight in the business class cabin..
its awesome but disappointing at the same time.. 
so the awesome part, I got to enjoy a real comfortable flight with great food, drinks and service.. the cheese, the beef, the wine, all the fruit juices.. u can have all of them and the airbus crews will still smile to u..
 the disappointing part would be humans are cruel? or money really affects life!
i bought the business class tickets not on purpose.. and hafta buy an economy one 
for the return ticket.. 
guess what, I received a total different kind of service
attitude, food, everything... anything u can list...
and i might want to buy business class tix in future cuz good flights are essential to start and end a trip..

In New Zealand, I experienced real windy weather.. it was so cold..
that I hafta keep myself near stove or blankets or heater most of the time..
my very first experience with heaters! 
the scenery - too beautiful.. I couldnt capture the greatness or the awesomeness using my camera and I felt so blessed for having good eyesight.. 
with them, I can look at all those beautiful stuffs and places.. 
unless my eyes deceive me 
the clouds, the mountains, the fields, the animals and the blue2 sky..
And I wonder...
Do we really live under the same sky? cuz the sky looks so different  in Malaysia
even the cows there are "handsomer" =P

To me, the trip is also like a trial or live without my parents and family members.. I capable of living on my own?
the answer is No... I miss them so much.. 
everyday I would think of them and miss them and err..
promise to treat them better when i am back. =p
to be a better daughter and sister.. :)

By the way, bought a new camera for this trip too 
THANKS to dear mummy!
she bought a Nikon J1 for me..
too bad the Galaxy came out later..
but I do love my J1... err..just too lazy to clean the lens =p

<3 everyone..
i hope school wont start forever =P

Thursday, November 1, 2012

random check. xD

this is so funny~
hahaha xD
was just doing some random check on my blog

and i found this..
like seriously?!
i know this kind of stuff is "common" xD

i need a moment to breathe
oh madness.

this is real funny..
feel like clicking it actually =P

so yeah.. the cat...baked a cake inside the toilet again...
busuk teramat...

haish~ nitez